I have discovered in recent years just how difficult it is to step away from lifelong beliefs and understandings, to open up the mind and heart to new ways of seeing things. Years spent holding tightly to a refusal to see beyond a certain view point; not wanting to see that there might be something different. Something more. Something deeper.
But God has a way of moving a person in a direction that they have no intention of going – of leading them to something beyond their scope of understanding, to a place that brings such depth and fulfillment and richness.
I told myself for years that my relationship with my Savior was as good as it could be. That what I had was all there was. I was saved. I was baptized. I was a member of a local church.
Conversely, I knew in my heart that my faith was not where it should be; but I had no idea what was missing, how to find it, or how to attain it once it was found. I felt that my prayers never went past the ceiling. Was there un-confessed sin, something that I had not realized, acknowledged, repented of?
I prayed Psalm 139:23 & 24 continually and sought forgiveness daily :
“Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
But I still felt that there was some kind of barrier between me and God. I felt that there was something vital missing from my life. But had no idea of what that was. I saw others with an overabundant, exuberant joy in the Lord that I envied, but did not know where it came from. I listened to experiences that left me wondering what was wrong with me.
I asked questions and then searched elsewhere for answers to those questions when the answers that I got did not seem complete. I had a feeling that there was something more, but my learning so far had been boxed in and closed off from that type of experience. When I could not find the answers, I felt like my faith was unfulfilled and uninspired.
But then the Lord began to draw me, to stretch me, to lead me into new paths of study and readings. He began to open up my heart and mind to His way of thinking, His way of relationship.
And I began to see that what was missing was a deeper, closer, more intimate relationship with His Holy Spirit. And Holy Spirit began to teach me how He works and moves and interacts with those that He indwells.
And as I learned, I realized I wanted more. And more.
And the more I wanted, the more He showed me. The more He revealed to me.
I had spent years ignoring the Helper that Jesus sent to me because of my own pure ignorance. Ignoring the One that indwelt me and gave me strength. The One that moved through this world on my behalf, and on the behalf of each and every follower of Yeshua Jesus.
I saw the Father as an angry dad, waiting to condemn me for the slightest infraction, I think because of how I saw my earthly dad. I focused on the Son, loving Him and wanting to honor Him, but still living my own life. And had no concept of the role Holy Spirit played in my life.
But He was not about to let me go. He drew me in. Filled me with a knowledge of His presence in a way that I had never dreamed of.
He has filled me with so much peace and joy and abundant grace. He brings a smile to my face just thinking about Him.
And now, I no longer just pray to the Father through the Son; but I talk to Holy Spirit and have been blessed with numerous responses from Him that leave me undone by Who He Is.
Thank You Precious Holy Spirit for not letting me go. Thank you for drawing me. For stretching me. For teaching me. For loving me and wrapping Your arms around me in answer to my prayers. I love You. I Honor You. I Praise You for Who You Are.
© Drusilla Mott and https://drusillamott.wordpress.com, 2022