It began months ago, this feeling of being led, encouraged, prodded. A feeling of being gently pulled in a direction that was not what I had expected. I felt that I was being told that my life was not what it should be and that I needed to make changes.
I had watched the movie War Room and had been deeply touched by the idea of being an intercessor. The desire began to grow in me, to learn how to better pray the scriptures for those around me. I began to study the prayers in the Bible, especially those Paul shared in his letters, and with notebook and pen began to write out prayers for others.
I began to search out books that dealt in prayer. I learned how much intercessory prayer was needed, how much of it is lacking in the world today. I learned of the requirements to have God even hear my prayers, and what would hinder my prayers from being heard and answered.
I prayed for leading on what I must do to be used as a prayer warrior and felt that I had to do some deep soul searching, because one of the main causes of unanswered prayer is sin. The Holy Spirit began to ease me down the road of self-examination, of self-judgment; and I was led far deeper than I had ever been led before.
It was a painful process at times, delving into the past and pulling up things that had been buried deep for years. Things that I had shoved down and chose to ignore, but which the Lord was now insisting that I deal with.
Pain. Shame. Feelings of inadequacy and weakness, feelings of being a victim of abuse – unlovable and unworthy. Anger. Resentment. Bitterness. Unforgiveness. All things that I felt I needed to hold onto for protection and defense; that had me pulling inward and away from others for most of my adult life.
And as each situation and feeling was brought to the forefront of my mind, I began to feel off balance, as if my world was being turned inside out and upside down. I wanted to fight this peeling away of my defenses, it left me feeling raw and bleeding as memories filled my thoughts. I often felt shaky, as if I would shatter if anyone so much as looked at me wrong, and I felt near tears most of the time.
I had gone years with these feelings simmering inside, not realizing just how adversely it was affecting my life, my faith and my walk with Jesus. I told myself that I had dealt with it all, I could talk with some of those responsible and act as if there were no lasting effects from their treatment of me. I told myself that there are some things that were always going to be there, at the edges of my thoughts but I could push those thoughts and memories away when they entered my head, as if they did not matter any more. I studied and prayed and wrote what was given me to write, and I told myself I was fine.
But the Holy Spirit began to show me that I wasn’t. Not really. And I needed to deal with it all if I truly wanted to have my prayers heard.
Now those feelings were flooding through me, over me, like a tidal wave of emotion and memory as I was brought face to face with all those things from my past that I had not yet dealt with.
I was also dealing with the realization that my earthly support system had been taken from me, one at a time, leaving me feeling like I was stranded on an island watching a tidal wave rush toward me, as if I was standing alone against the world. There was no one to talk to, no one to seek council from, no one that understood or cared.
Until Jesus showed me that I had depended on them too much and now it was time to abide in Him, and Him alone.
And as I began to face each thing and hand them over to the Lord, Satan stepped in and began to stir up more trouble for me.
I had been seeing evidence of lies and slander told against me, things that had undermined my witness and my testimony – even among people that I had known for years. There were things that had been done deliberately with the intent only to hurt; things that, by their doing cause problems for me even today. And as I struggled to put the past behind me …..
No, that’s wrong …..
I struggled to put the past into the hands of Almighty God and allow Him to deal with them and me – and as I did that, I continually came face to face with things that caused a good deal of anger and hurt to rise in me again. It was that old saying …. One step forward, two steps back ….. come to life within me.
But the amazing, humbling, awesome thing was that I felt the comfort and peace of my Lord fill my soul; felt His reassurance and love and strength as He led me through each situation and helped me move beyond it.
He brought things to me that showed me His plan for me, that reinforced and encouraged; things that lined up in a way to make clear His Hand was guiding, leading, strengthening me for the path ahead.
And as I delve deeper into prayer and intercession, He continues to place people and things into my life that show me I am on the right path.
He used a dear, sweet cousin to send me a link through Facebook for a blog post that coincided with my first meditation post, which in turn led me to a post that could have been written about me and for me.
He used sermons in church and parts of the books that I was reading to make His message to me even more clear.
I had often read 1 Corinthians 1:26 but never saw how it applied so directly to me until I read a booklet that quoted the Williams Translation of the New Testament:
“For consider, brothers, the way God called you;
that not many of you, in accordance with human standards,
were wise, not many influential, not many of high birth.
Just the opposite:
God chose what the world calls foolish
to put the wise to shame;
what the world calls weak to put the strong to shame;
what the world calls of low degree, yea,
what it counts as nothing and what it thinks does not exist,
God chose to put a stop to what it thinks exists.”
Those words were exactly how I have been made to feel about myself for most of my life; but were also a reinforcement of God’s plan for me. A plan that I was only then beginning to really see and accept.
I try not to look back and wonder how I could have gone all those years with so much baggage weighing me down instead of dealing with it and going forward. I try not to regret the wasted time to the point that it hinders my present walk; but Satan, that enemy of old, continues to throw boulders into my path in an attempt to stop me from moving on. As my intentions have become clear, I am encountering incident after incident whose only purpose is to create discord and chaos in my life.
But I have come to realize that it is not the circumstances around me that are hindering me, it is not people that are my true enemy. Rather, it is that father of lies that has been reminding me and luring me to focus more on the past than on the future; tempting me to hold on to all those sinful feelings as a shield from more pain and heartache instead of holding strong to the whole armor of God.
I feel an urgency in the air, a cry to intercede for those that are lost, to stand in the gap between earth and heaven; and so I cannot allow him to create chaos in my life. The Lord has led me to the point of realization that the fields are white to harvest but the laborers are few. And I refuse to let him stand in my way any longer.
Get behind me Satan. He that is in me is stronger than you and that which is in the world. I refuse to allow you to lead me back into the shame and pain of my past. I will no longer allow you to throw disorder and doubt, anger and anxiety at me, hoping it will stick. I belong to the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. I am a child of the King, beloved and chosen before the creation of the world. I am beautifully and wonderfully made and in my weakness His strength is made perfect. I cling to the hope which is laid up for me in heaven, to the Anchor of my soul both sure and steadfast.
To God be the glory, forever and ever.
© Drusilla Mott and https://drusillamott.wordpress.com, 2019