In one of my recent posts, I admitted to struggling when it came to my writing. For months, each time I would sit down to try and come up with a post, my mind would be a large empty vacuum – a black hole where all of my creative thoughts had disappeared.
The thoughts, the ideas, the words. They were all gone.
As I came to this realization, I began to pray and plead for some leading as to why I had lost my talent. I read somewhere that if we are given a talent from God and we let it languish away, we will lose it. That idea scared me and my pleading took on an intensity that bordered on desperation.
Writing had been my dream since I was a little girl and the idea that I could have lost it because I wasn’t using it terrified me. All I could see was myself standing before Jesus at the end of my life and having to explain why I wasted the talent He had given me, and why I had not fulfilled my life’s purpose.
In another post I told of someone I knew that God had allowed to be stripped of all earthly support because she was not completely trusting and relying on Him.
I realized I had, in my own way, come to the end of myself where my writing is concerned. My distress over my writer’s block created in me a need to solve the problem. To figure out what I should be doing, what I should be writing about.
You see, I still find myself, quite often, with the need to do it myself, to figure things out on my own. I find a lot of things beyond my physical ability, but will insist on struggling with the task instead of asking my husband for help.
I do the same with God. I tell myself I am relying on Him, but at the same time, I am relying on my own power and my own actions – on my works. I ask for His leading, while in the back of my mind I am racing around trying to solve the problem myself. I hand it to Him and then promptly take it back to fuss over and worry about.
I mean, surely, I have to be doing something ….. right??
Or, maybe not ……
My ‘doing’ was getting me nowhere.
And so I began a search to figure out what was wrong.
And in my searching and discovery, I was led to study the Holy Spirit and His work in our lives. I must admit that I knew about the Holy Spirit on a surface level – knew His attributes, and His purpose in our lives – to a certain extent.
But there is so much that I just did not understand – still do not understand – and reading someone else’s thoughts and experiences, their life lessons, is like turning a light bulb on inside my mind.
There is an ‘Ah-hah!’ moment when I read something that is just so clear and concise I think “Why didn’t I see that before?!”
And what I discovered was that I had gone back to my original way of writing – relying on myself to try and figure out what to write about and what to say. I was striving against the Lord, taking the control back and not abiding as we are admonished to.
I was trying to do it myself, and all of my searching and anxiety and feverish attempts to figure it out on my own was blocking the Holy Spirit from leading me into the paths He wanted me to go.
As soon as I acknowledged this, and gave myself over to complete surrender, I felt a wave of peace and contentment rise up in me; and suddenly words and thoughts were flooding through my mind so quickly I had to pray that I not be allowed to lose them until I could get them written down.
“Commit your works to the Lord
and your thoughts will be established.”
© Drusilla Mott and https://drusillamott.wordpress.com, 2018