I ask the Lord continually to search my heart, to show me if there is anything in me that I need to resolve so that my prayers won’t be hindered.
I am re-reading the prayer of Jabez, praying the prayer every morning and night. I am crying out for a renewal in my own heart first before I begin asking for revival in others, in the church body and in this country.
I ask for my life to be blessed – not with material things that will just fill my life with more worldly responsibility, nor with riches that would be more weight to carry.
I ask that my life be blessed according to God’s will, in whatever way He chooses. I ask that I be blessed with love and grace and mercy.
I ask that my life be blessed in a way that would make it possible for me to reach others for His kingdom, and that I may be a blessing to others.
I ask that my territory be enlarged for His kingdom, that He will open doors for me that I could not open, or would not know to open, myself.
I am immersing myself in praise and worship songs … as I work around the house, as I walk and exercise, as I sit at my computer and write. My heart is lifting in praise to my Creator and Lord.
And yet ….
A few weeks ago, when I found a new blog, I was saddened by my heart’s response.
Reading the first article that I saw there, I was amazed at the person’s jubilant praise and worship for the Lord. There was such a stirring love and admiration in the words written there. I read and re-read the article, and the love and joy of this person just leapt off the screen.
I kept thinking that reading something like that should have filled me with the same jubilation and worship.
Instead, my heart felt cracked and bleeding, dried up and old, broken into shards by mishandling and abuse. I felt empty and abandoned. Not by God, but by life; by health and personal circumstances that have left me feeling battered and bruised.
I struggled to find even a semblance of that joy and jubilation and there was nothing but a faint echo of some long forgotten happiness. I found myself crying out, asking why I didn’t feel that way, what I was doing wrong that I did not feel so totally in love with my Lord.
I spent a couple days trying to find that joy, but instead of feeling it leap to life inside me, I felt as if it was buried under a hard crust that I could not break through.
I wondered …
Is it my pride? Is it some sin that I have long buried and do not know about? Is it Satan telling me lies and undermining my faith?
I still do not know for sure why I felt so dead inside, but I know that I do love Him that gave me life. He is the Only Person in this world that is Reliable and Trustworthy. He alone is the Sustainer of my life and the Lover of my soul.
I sit here now, filled with a soft glow of love for my Creator, my Lord and Savior; a bubbling up of praise and worship; a quiet joy and jubilation that is founded in the fact that He will love me no matter what.
I feel at peace, knowing that He is my Protection and my Strength.
And I wonder, will it always be like this, or will I slip back into that darkness and despair that covers over the love and joy with a hard crust of misery?
I am sure at some point that Satan will be sure to nudge me in that direction.
My heart’s desire will be to refuse him a stronghold to grab hold of.
© Drusilla Mott and https://drusillamott.wordpress.com, 2012