I ask the Lord continually to search my heart, to show me if there is anything in me that I need to resolve so that my prayers won’t be hindered.

I am re-reading the prayer of Jabez, praying the prayer every morning and night.  I am crying out for a renewal in my own heart first before I begin asking for revival in others, in the church body and in this country.

I ask for my life to be blessed – not with material things that will just fill my life with more worldly responsibility, nor with riches that would be more weight to carry.

I ask that my life be blessed according to God’s will, in whatever way He chooses.  I ask that I be blessed with love and grace and mercy.

I ask that my life be blessed in a way that would make it possible for me to reach others for His kingdom, and that I may be a blessing to others.

I ask that my territory be enlarged for His kingdom, that He will open doors for me that I could not open, or would not know to open, myself.

I am immersing myself in praise and worship songs … as I work around the house, as I walk and exercise, as I sit at my computer and write.  My heart is lifting in praise to my Creator and Lord.

And yet ….

A few weeks ago, when I found a new blog, I was saddened by my heart’s response.

Reading the first article that I saw there, I was amazed at the person’s jubilant praise and worship for the Lord.  There was such a stirring love and admiration in the words written there.  I read and re-read the article, and the love and joy of this person just leapt off the screen.

I kept thinking that reading something like that should have filled me with the same jubilation and worship.

Instead, my heart felt cracked and bleeding, dried up and old, broken into shards by mishandling and abuse.  I felt empty and abandoned.  Not by God, but by life;  by health and personal circumstances that have left me feeling battered and bruised.

I struggled to find even a semblance of that joy and jubilation and there was nothing but a faint echo of some long forgotten happiness.  I found myself crying out, asking why I didn’t feel that way, what I was doing wrong that I did not feel so totally in love with my Lord.

I spent a couple days trying to find that joy, but instead of feeling it leap to life inside me, I felt as if it was buried under a hard crust that I could not break through.

I wondered …

Is it my pride?  Is it some sin that I have long buried and do not know about?  Is it Satan telling me lies and undermining my faith?

I still do not know for sure why I felt so dead inside, but I know that I do love Him that gave me life.  He is the Only Person in this world that is Reliable and Trustworthy.  He alone is the Sustainer of my life and the Lover of my soul.

I sit here now, filled with a soft glow of love for my Creator, my Lord and Savior; a bubbling up of praise and worship; a quiet joy and jubilation that is founded in the fact that He will love me no matter what.

I feel at peace, knowing that He is my Protection and my Strength.

And I wonder, will it always be like this, or will I slip back into that darkness and despair that covers over the love and joy with a hard crust of misery?

I am sure at some point that Satan will be sure to nudge me in that direction.

My heart’s desire will be to refuse him a stronghold to grab hold of.

© Drusilla Mott and, 2012


10 thoughts on “MY HEART’S DESIRE

  1. No, you will not be forsaken, Dru. In the silence of the spirit, you will find him. Recognize the signs. I think we share in like oppression right now. Praying for you and covet yours too. We will get through this. Shalom


  2. I will keep your hearts desire and God’s Will in my prayers
    God Bless you Druscilla
    Draw near to Him and He will draw near to you – keep Him close to your heart and you will find your desire


  3. Good post, Dru. I know that I love the Lord and can indeed feel great joy, but the last few days I have been struggling with a cold, so I am zoned out. I cannot seem to think of feel anything outside of the ick. Looking forward to getting past the zone.
    Praying for your renewed strength!


  4. It seems that with each step forward (to being more like Jesus) something else inside us has to die. Another kingdom must fall, another area surrendered. You are doing just fine, keep walking in His footprints.


  5. I will pray for you of course. The fact that you recognize that there is a problem, and that it bothers you is good. Keep praying, keep writing, keep reading, and keep listening. The Lord is right there with you.

    Blessings to you Dru


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