Back in October when I was contacted to write for ChristianBlessings, I felt an overwhelming sense of joy at the prospect of using my writing to reach people from around the world for God’s kingdom.
It was an answer to a prayer that I have been praying for years. I wrote an article for ChristianBlessings about that desire.
I settled into my new writing schedule with ease and anticipation; so full of ideas and words, I could not type fast enough.
And then I began to feel ill, so lost in a haze of confusion, I could not think straight, much less write all the articles I had envisioned writing.
Most of you know the story of my illness the week after Thanksgiving, and the initial outcome of those dark days.
I say initial because I felt twinges of pain and a sort of hardness at the spot of all that pain for days afterward. I know some of you felt I should get to the doctor and make sure there was nothing really wrong. I thank you for your counsel and concern.
I waited, continuing to pray for complete healing, knowing that there was no money and no insurance to pay a doctor bill, to say nothing of the lab work and tests that would most likely have been done.
Anyway, I suddenly noticed two weeks ago that there were no twinges of pain, no hardness, no anything left.
I have begun again to walk for 30 minutes at least three times a week, with the intent of building back up to the 45 minutes – 1 hour five times a week that I was doing last summer.
Praise God for His mercy!
I felt such an amazing closeness to my Lord during those dark hours of illness; as if I were actually wrapped in His loving arms.
I felt such a deep sense of blessing and encouragement and knew His reassurance that all would be well.
Now, my mind is clearer and more focused than I remember it being in a long time.
But, because of that, I am also feeling an overwhelming need to get back on track; to get posts written that will reach people for Him.
I feel as if He is telling me that time is short and that I need to be doing all I can to fulfill His will for my life.
Two weeks ago I wrote a post about Bruce Wilkinson’s book “The Prayer of Jabez” because I had such a strong leading that I needed to read the book again and to share it with others.
I felt a sense of urgency that I need to be about my Father’s business, accomplishing His will for my life.
I also felt an overwhelming concern for all those that would be lost if they died today.
God was placing His concern for them into me, pushing me to step out and pray Jabez’s prayer so that He can work through me to reach them; beyond what I am doing today.
But even with all of that, my mind remained a blank for days as far as writing for ChristianBlessings.
I was stumped.
I continued to pray, getting a little desperate for something to write about because I did not want to fall back on my commitment.
Nothing. Not a word – not even an idea.
Last Thursday, I threw myself on God’s mercy and pleaded with Him to show me why I had nothing to write about if He wanted me to write.
And then He showed me that my heart was not right. And as long as my heart was not right, I could not help others.
I swallowed hard and asked for Him to show me what was not right. And He did.
Mid-December I re-posted an article called What We Give To God, not thinking that I was still struggling with the issues discussed there.
But God, in His loving mercy, showed me that my heart was not completely where He wanted it to be as far as the things that were continuing to happen in my life.
I was still angry and hurt over treatment I was receiving from certain people, over lies and slander to my character. I resented the fact that they could lie to me and about me, yet expect me to be there when they needed something.
The deception and treachery goes much deeper than I am willing to disclose here and my anger was nearing rage at times. I could not stand to see them or to talk to them I was feeling so betrayed.
I knew in my heart that I was to forgive them, even when it was an ongoing, non-stop assault on my character and my witness for the Lord. I prayed for the Lord to show me what to do, and asked for help forgiving them. And I thought I had.
I would hand it to the Lord to handle, think I was forgiving and letting it go; but then something new would come to my attention that dragged me back down into that darkness once again. But I still thought my anger was justified, and that I could forgive even while I was angry.
What I was having a problem with was questioning whether I still needed to be welcoming to them when they were in my home, and whether I needed to do all the things I used to do for them.
I dug in my heels and decided that I did not need to be used and abused while they continued to tarnish my reputation with their lies. I refused to do all the little things I used to do for them and I resorted to going to a different room when they came, and would not talk to them while they were around.
So, fast-forward to last week when the Lord showed me where I was wrong.
He led me to see that my reposting of What We Give To God was not just a fluke, but that I was supposed to see it and remember what I wrote there. He made me see that I was still not forgiving, still not letting go.
Then He led me to Matthew 6:43-48, and showed me that turning my back on them was going against Jesus’ instructions. My eyes and heart were opened and I pleaded for forgiveness.
Within an hour, ideas and words were flooding my mind for things to write and share.
Praise God for His love and grace!
P.S. As I sit here and write this, I realize that my confusion and feeling unwell, my inability to write anything to help others, started shortly after I decided to shut them out and ignore them. I am not implying anything here, just wondering about the timing.
© Drusilla Mott and https://drusillamott.wordpress.com, 2012
Even as I was preparing this post, I came across these posts that convicted my heart:
Susie @STPT2011: Courage Baby
Jeanne @ Women’s Window: Are You Just Going to Sit There?